Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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