she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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