Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
