i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
