Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
