Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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