the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
