I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
