did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
