I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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