I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
