To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
