if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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