She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
