dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
