i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
