In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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