i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
