I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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