3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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