he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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