If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
whose parrot is this?
40s are totally the cure
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
