Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
