i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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