You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
