i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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