I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
fuck your aforementioned shoe
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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