the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
porn star boner night. come get it.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
