Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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