I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
