i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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