i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
