just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
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The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
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This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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