someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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