When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
