Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
