I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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