yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
