I think im going to throw up on grandma
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
