Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Randomize
