Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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