i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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