ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
