u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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