Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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