Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
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Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
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No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money