I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
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I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.