i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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