T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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