How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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