she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
