The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
There are leaves in my underwear?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
