I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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