Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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