It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
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I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
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he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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