if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
